I do not remember when I last knew someone who switched from iOS to Android.
Or the other way around.
I do not remember when a store employee last told me they had met someone who wanted to switch.
It is as if we choose operating systems as football teams. We decide who we love and we stick to it.
Still, Apple and Google are not giving up hope that you will switch and get on their side.
Last week, for example, Google quietly launched its Switch to Android iOS app. Do you think Apple has allowed such a thing?
It must be something to do with worrying about anti-trust legislation, I hear you grunt.
However, what can you imagine Google saying to encourage you to switch? So I switched to Google’s Switch to Android site and then to Apple’s equivalent. Just to see how different they may – or may not – be.
Oh, just flow your stuff.
Google is a strangely simplified affair. It tries less to persuade and more to assume that this is what you want to do.
“Move your stuff from iOS,” the headline declares. And then it offers barbs. Or what looks like barbs.
Example: “With Android, you get the right help when you need it.” You mean, like, Apple’s you get no help at all, especially when you need it?
I have to go to the Android store in my local mall and tell them that.
Google’s other teasing: “Security around the clock and new privacy tools. And Google apps that work smarter together.”
Some might suggest that Google sells security and privacy is just like the British Prime Minister Boris Johnson apparently selling honesty and decency.
Still, Google insists that it’s all easy and guides you through the relatively few steps. You get Google Drive, you back up your stuff, and you turn off iMessage.
Sir, Apple must love to hear it in its app store.
Finally, log in to your new phone.
From there, Google wants you to say ‘hullo’ to Android, enjoy Google’s Assistant and, oh, find digital wellness tools.
Does Google think you could be traumatized by leaving Apple?
Finally, the page concludes with features that make the world more accessible and a statement that your Android phone will surely have a battery that “seems smarter and longer” than the iPhone garbage heap you leave behind.
That is it. That’s the sale. It’s the sales that are not quite the same as Apple’s.
It’s easy. It just works. It’s worth a few dollars.
Cupertino, of course, begins with a superlative: It’s so easy to switch to the iPhone. ”
Also note that Apple can not stand at all to mention that Android exists. Well, not in the headline.
Soon, however, a completely different lid comes. Where Google tries to show a few simple steps, Apple appeals to one of its – and it assumes your – favorite sites. Your bank account.
Yes, there’s the mandatory: “Are you coming from an Android phone? You’ll see how easy it is to switch from the moment you turn on your new iPhone. There’s a walkthrough to get started, and an app, that uploads your photos, contacts and more. “
But then there is this: “You can even swap your old smartphone for credit.”
Do you think people do not know that, Apple? Oh, I understand that. You just think people are always motivated by the prospect of cash.
So Apple’s steps are a little different than Google’s.
They begin with “Upload your photos and contacts in a few simple steps.”
But scroll over it and you’ll get right away: “You can get up to $ 160 for your Android smartphone.”
Really, Apple? Do you think that the glorious, revolutionary human compatibility of the iPhone is not enough? Do you have to contaminate your space with snuff?
Please wait, there’s more. Apple offers support via call, chat or tweet. But then we are back to: “Buy in store or online.” Along with a tease that Apple “can also set up your mobile carrier and schedule.”
Hey there, Cooklets. I thought it was about persuasion, not sales.
Only after all this sales do you get some product allusions. Next comes “If you want a phone that lasts, then this is it.”
Subliminal thought: “Android phones are flimsy counterfeits. They will not last.”
Privacy? Yeah okay. But what about the money?
Here’s what an English tabloid might call the shocker. Only after significant scrolling does Apple get to its signature theme: privacy.
How strange that Google had privacy much earlier in its compelling arsenal than Apple has.
Unlike Google, Apple just will not stop. Keep scrolling and you get “Everything just works,” along with “Earth will not wait. We will not either.”
But we have had to wait very, very long for this message.
I thought this page should show me how easy it is to switch, Apple. Yet you are in danger of going on and on and on until the Earth melts and withers.
“Yes,” Apple replies. “But do not forget that our cameras are amazing.”
No, that’s not a quote. This is just an introduction to the next segment. God, I’ve spent less time in an Apple store buying a phone than it does to get through this switch page.
These are not just the biggest hits, this is the entire catalog. Next comes Apple’s new chips, FaceTime and Messages, the App Store and even a suggestion for you to instantly choose which iPhone you want. Buy now.
And that’s not all.
Finally – I asked – were more commercial lures: The exchange again and an upgrade program sells.
“Do you still have questions? Just ask,” Apple says at the very end.
I only have one: “Why?”