How to actually stay calm during an argument

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You can feel it brew in the seconds leading up to a big quarrel. Your temper flares up, you feel blushing and you are suddenly ready to say loud things you know you will never be able to take back. Blow-out fights – and even regular-sized quarrels – can irreversibly damage relationships of any kind. If you participate in one of them, either with a stranger, and coworking, or a friend, you can never be completely sure of the result. You can only hope that the situation does not get violent.

In the few seconds, however, you have a choice. You can not necessarily control the situation, but can deescalate yourself. Here are some tips to help you stay calm when things are hot.

Understand why you feel the urge to fight

The urge to fight does not come out of nowhere. It is a product of your temperament, your past experiences, your personal preferences and the specific situation. Depending on how all of these things work together, you may find yourself ready to throw down with a moment’s notice when you perceive a threat, feel disrespectful, or sense that the other person is preparing to argue with you. Although you can not do much to avoid a spontaneously tense moment, you can learn about yourself now so that you have a better understanding of your impulses when the time comes.

like Ssuccess coach Ronnie Bloom explains“Most people are familiar with ‘fight or flight’ as an adrenaline-fueled reactive state we come under when we perceive a threat. [They] is part of a quartet of survival reactions. The other two in the family are ‘freezer’ and ‘fawn’. All four are instinctive responses that help us emotionally and physically survive threats to the best of our ability. “

A “fight” instinct will lead you to take an aggressive position. An “escape” instinct will cause you to completely disconnect. A “freeze” instinct disappears you unable to respond to the perceived threat at all. A “fawn” instinct will see you trying to please the other party to avoid conflict.

Think back to how you handled heated situations In the past. Have you failed to be people-pleasing or run away? Your past experiences play a big role in how you react in the future. In situations where it went badly for you if you became confident or aggressive, you may have learned to avoid that path – or not. Some of us are not deterred by past results, some of us may not have yet faced the consequences of the struggles. Use time to question your motives and behaviors and work on understanding yourself so you can by itself least, Avoid seeking out situations where you want to takeke your aggression out on another – who could only aggravate your problems.

“In many cases, the ‘fight’ reaction leads to more falls and injuries than the situation already at hand,” Bloom warned.

Deescalation comes in good time before a match begins

Self-understanding does it easier to recognize when a tense situation escalates to that point aggressive conflict. Anyway the point of the fight / flight / freeze / fawn frame is that these reactions are largely subconscious. A lot of themescalation work comes long before a possible match.

“The first thing I think people need to know is that if they are in ‘battle’ [mode] then it is probably the part of their brain that is responsible for reason and considerations that is offline, ”says Bloom. “Our brains do this so we do not get stuck in analytical paralysis when a bear chases us. The reason why this knowledge is so important, in my opinion –it informs us that logic and reason are not the next step. Calming the mind-body activation by being in ‘fight’ should be the first priority. ” It is the key to you know you are in “battle” in the first place, which means you must feel that as the reasoning has left the building.

She suggested trying to bring the feeling of “fight” to your body when you are not actually in a fight, and notice how it feels. Ask yourself where the feeling lives in your body –whether it has a color, whether it has a shape, whether it is heavy, whether it dots, or whether it is numb. Identify how the answer feels, using the adjectives that work, and then remember it.

“This is battle,” she said. “You will be able to recognize it better the next time it happens and know how to begin themescalation process. “

How to actually stay calm in a fight

Although it is key to understand the origin of the reaction of the struggle, wWhen theory becomes practice, there are other things you need to know and do in that moment. Bloom suggests to remove yourself from the activating situation, if possible, which may mean going to your room, going outside, or going to a bathroom stall.

“The idea is to get yourself into a space where you can confidently express that instinct and then soothe,” she says. Yyou can hit a pillow – or even scream into it – or find another way to express your aggression. Consider opening your note-taking app and writing down everything you wish you could say to the other person at that moment – but do not. send it their way.

Once you have come out of that aggression, take a moment to shesitate yourself: try some yoga, eat a special meal, enjoy your favorite music, or do whatever makes you happy.

“This method of safe expression and reassurance takes you back to the space where reason and logic are online again, and you have them at your disposal again for decision making and contemplation.” says Bloom.

Still, she notes there may be some situations where you can not take to an isolated place. At times like that, take a deep breath and summon the best restraint you can handle until you are able to make an exit. Stay present, to the best of your ability, and remember that the fallout from pursuing the fight can be severe and long lasting.

“Focus on the light at the end of the tunnel,” she said, referring to your possible opportunity to get out of the situation.