On the way home from the Indianapolis 500, my first flight was already too late to arrive, which had cut well over 15 minutes of my already tight connecting time in Chicago. ONE few people seemed to get the note that it might be a good idea to speed up and board quickly. But not one man. Oh no. Not the man in front of me who decided to spend two whole minutes stewing his luggage in the overhead trash can.
Now I would like to start this by saying that I have also used the overhead trash can. If I’m on a short business trip, it’s nice to be able to pack my smallest suitcase and walk straight out of the airport when I land. I do not despise anyone for this.
But there are several unspoken rules about the overlying container space. For example, you should be able to store this luggage yourself or already have a contingency plan in place to receive assistance. The luggage must fit in the bin. The luggage must be stowed exactly as instructed – which has increasingly stored your bag on the side to maximize the bin. Things like hats, jackets, small purses or backpacks do not qualify as overhead bins. You should stow your luggage over your own seat. The whole process should take 30 seconds or less.
However, so many people fail to follow these simple rules – such as the terrible man in front of me on my flight from Indy to Chicago. He had a skateboard bag to store over his head, but he also had a bag of chips in one hand and a small briefcase in the other.
The solution to his problem was not complex. He could have put his chips, his briefcase, or both in the seat where he was supposed to sit Before store his luggage. He could have put either object on the ground or between his legs. But this man did not seem to realize it. He stood there for several long, unbearable moments, contemplating his situation. He looked at his luggage. He looked at his chips. He looked at his briefcase. He thought more about things. He looked into the overhead trash can, which had ample space for his bag. He kept thinking.
I was only milliseconds from offering to just save the damn bag for him when he finally took a step. Instead of putting something away, this man tried to use his single chip-behind hand to pick up his luggage. This did not work. He tried the handbag. It did not work either. He tried both hands, which were full.
And there he finally saw a glimpse of success. The wheel of the skateboard had reached it in the rubbish bin!
There was a problem, though: his sight had been turned off, and instead of stowing his luggage in the huge empty space he had available, he had caught someone else’s backpack (and to person also deserves a special place in hell for placing a half-empty backpack in the overhead trash can instead of under their seat). Now I had to watch this man wiggle his suitcase free of the backpack and then try to move the backpack while also trying to stow the luggage.
I am usually a patient person, but in this situation, I literally felt my whole soul leave my body. It was gone. It had traveled to another realm, and the empty cavity in my body was instead inhabited by a demon that spawned directly from the caves of hell. I wanted to let out a howl that suited that demon, but I kept my mouth shut and this horrible man eventually stowed his luggage and let the rest of the plane go on board.
At this point, I think we have all lost our overhead baggage privileges. I understand that checking a bag is expensive and stressful. I understand that many people do not want to check a bag with e.g. camera equipment or medical supplies. But we have collectively lost our privileges. Instead of paying to check a bag, we now had to pay to stow a bag in the overhead trash can. Otherwise, fuck them. No more overhead luggage. We simply can not handle it.