I am the beverage consumer that beverage companies love to see go into the corner store. Several times a week I browse the back row of refrigerators with a plan to pick up my usual carbonated can, but then something colorful without fail will catch my eye – a strange new taste of a drink I’ve had before, it’s just exciting enough. “I have to try it,” I say aloud, to myself, at the gas station. Five familiar words I said to myself when I picked up a Flamin ‘Hot Mountain Dew yesterday. Five words I now regret.
Flamin ‘Hot Mountain Dew does what’s on tin Plastic bottle. The beverage manufacturers at PepsiCo (which I suspect come up with new products by throwing different flavors around in a toilet bowl until it turns solid green, red or blue) have injected moss standard Dew with “a blast of heat and citrus.” You will recognize the branding from Mountain Dews chip-shaped company cousin, Flamin ‘Hot Cheetos. A previous love for Flamin ‘Hot Cheetos was my primary motivation for giving this Dew a shot – back in middle school, “flamin’ hots” were a universal currency that could buy you anything from a less deflated basketball to short admiration from an older child .
I eventually had to stop eating flaming hots when I got into high school. At one point, my body’s tolerance for the super-salted spice dropped. A few cheetos were all it took to give me a stomach ache that lasted for hours, so I gave up the blazing hot life and never looked back. As I now return to Flamin ‘Hot with this damn, blood-red Mountain Dew, I was prepared for a kick at the Cheetos level. To my surprise, Flamin’s Hot Mountain Dew tastes mostly like regular Dew. At least in the first place.
I did not even notice the presence of hot flames until I swallowed. “This is some ordinary tablecloth,” I thought. So bam! Spices hit me squarely in the tongue, a clear punishment for doubting its legitimacy. “This is no normal Dew,” whispered the devil’s antifreeze. True, but it is also not very ‘Flamin’ Hot ‘.
That is strange. There is definitely a lot of spice in this drink – you can even smell it among the usual sugary Dew fragrance, but the activation is so delayed that it is almost a separate experience than drinking the actual soda. The kick itself is also subdued: far milder than eating a regular Flamin ‘Hot Cheeto.
There is something missing in the composition of the Flamin ‘Hot flavor here. It’s hot enough that I had to cough my way through sips three and four, but I could not detect the distinct lime salt taste that overwhelms the body of a Cheeto and causes the hairs on my arm to rise. It tastes a bit like when my friend sprinkled pepper in my water cup. It’s spicy but not lip-puckering, which is half the reason for eating something with the words “Flamin ‘Hot” on it.
Now over an hour later I can still feel a bit of pepper in my throat. My tongue is restless. Unlike cheetos, this Dew will certainly not make your mouth sting for 30 minutes. At first my instincts told me that gentleness is a blow to Flamin ‘Hot Dew, but then again, why? Did I really want a bottle of soda to screw up my stomach for most of a work day? Will I choose between tough milk or sitting with tongue torture as a reward for consuming something I bought for $ 3 plus tax? The whole idea of Flamin ‘Hot started to unravel in my head, and I remembered why I put the crunching devils down in the first place.
My answer was on the label all the time – this sensuous cartoon flame with fingerless gloves is not my friend. He’s excited to hurt me! Excited that I bought into my own death! He is so crazy about burning innocents that he holds a lit torch in spite of himself be a fireball. Do not let this little fool win. Do not be like me. Do not drink Flamin ‘Hot Mountain Dew.
Unless, I do not know, you’re curious. It is fine.
69/100